biscuity | erku | ic inbox

Come on, pick up.

[ Rather than running too deep into the forest Clary forces herself to stop, scanning the area immediately around her. She knows it's unlikely to find him within seconds of being here so she keeps letting her bracelet ring, hoping he'll answer. Never before has she longed to hear someone's voice this badly, the exception perhaps being her mom through the portal shard necklace. But her mom was alive; Bellamy—

Bellamy has a gun. ]

Pick up. Pick up, pick up, pick up. [ She's breathless from more than just the sprint over here, the panic making her chest ache, but she keeps moving. Slowly and with her eyes and ears trying to catch something to lead her in the right direction, or prove that he's okay, but moving nonetheless. ]

Please, Bellamy, just pick up...

[ He doesn't read her texts that follow his - not because he's ignoring her on purpose but because the thoughts the Mothman has forced upon him are so overwhelming, it's hard for him to register anything else, like the fact that the one person he needs the most right now has read every text he sent and wants to be there for him. He's not alone, she's nearby, she's so close - but her messages stay unread.

It's worse than the hallucinations he experienced after he ate psychoactive nuts back home because at least he had visions of people he thought he killed to keep him company. Right now he feels like the last man on Earth.

Slumped against a tree, gun in hand, he feels like there's no other way to free himself from the weight of the world he feels on his shoulders right now. He raises the weapon to his temple -

And that's when his bracelet vibrates to let him know someone's calling him. He stares at the name on the screen. Clary. He can't not pick up, not when it's her. He lowers his gun for the moment, holding it by his side. ]

Clary? I can't talk right now, I have to— [ He sounds so unlike his usual self, so frantic. ] There's only one way out... [ And the answer is in his hand. ]

[ The relief Clary feels when he picks up is gone as quickly as it came, the tone of his voice as disconcerting as the words he says. But she forces herself to keep moving, wishing the bracelets had some kind of location tracking feature. ]

No, Bellamy— [ She forces herself to stop, to take a breath, and try to calm down because she'll be no help if she's panicking. (It's easier said than done, but she tries her best.) ] Bellamy, please, just let me help. I can, I promise. [ It doesn't matter that she has no idea what he saw or what caused this; she'll do everything in her power to get answers and fix it, no matter what. ]

Just stay on the line with me, okay? I'm going to find you, but you can't hang up.

Are you out here? [ Part of him feels comforted by the idea that she could be close, whilst the other half of him feels dread over her being in the exact position he's in right now. What if she saw what he saw? It's fine if he dies alone in these woods, but if the same fate happened to her... ]

No... You have to turn back, Clary. If you get lost out here because of me... [ He might still sound perturbed but at least he hasn't ended the call when he could have. She's managing to distract him from a decision he only feels is right in his current state of mind. Under normal circumstances, he's usually the one trying to talk someone out of doing something stupid. ]

It's my own fault. I deserve this. I deserve to be alone...

No, you don't. [ Terrified though she is, Clary's voice is strong when she says that, firm in a way that she's probably never spoken to Bellamy before. Whatever caused this, whatever he saw that made him feel this way, she's going to destroy however she can. ] You don't deserve any of this. You deserve to be happy, to be with people who care about you.

[ It's the next part that comes out softer, almost pleading: ] You deserve to be with me, and I'm not leaving this place without you. [ She means the forest, of course, but also the island. He promised to come back for her if he ever left and she knows she would do the same, that she'd fight as hard as she could — and then some — to get back to him. But especially now, hearing how unlike himself Bellamy sounds, there's literally nothing that could convince her to turn around. ]

[ Clary had stopped for a moment, almost unaware of it, but shakes herself back into focus. Although he hasn't hung up yet and she's unbelievably thankful for that, this won't get her any closer to actually finding him and she knows that's more imperative than anything else. So she starts walking again, moving further into the forest. ]

I need you to tell me what you see, Bellamy, anything distinctive or noticeable. Please— [ Her voice catches a little on that word, one that's usually used playfully with him, and it takes a moment for her to continue. ] Please just give me something.

[ You deserve to be with me. Looking back at this moment, he'll realize just how important those words are. They don't have as much of an impact on him as they normally would because of the darkness that's encompassing him at the moment, but as soon as she finds him and they're touching, he'll feel it all at once. ]

I don't see anything but trees. [ He answers hopelessly - and then he notices a flash of color in the distance, the vibrancy of her hair standing out amongst the leaves. ]

Stop. [ If she doesn't - if she keeps going, she'll move further away from him. He could have let her keep going, stay lost - but now he sees her, all he wants is to have her close. ] I see you... Look right.

[ She's still a significant distance away from him, but he should be visible to her once she turns her head. He looks down at the gun in his hand and holds it out for her to take once she's close enough. ] Take it. [ He doesn't trust himself with it right now. ]

[ Clary stops only half a second after he tells her to, scanning the immediate area for signs of him. When he instructs her to look to the right she does, heart racing in her chest, and squints a little until she spots him. He's not quite as easy to make out as she is as nothing Bellamy wears stands out as well against the foliage, but it only takes a moment.

And then she's running, bracelet forgotten in favor of reaching him as quickly as possible. She doesn't even pay much attention to the ground in front of her, caring far more about the gun she sees in his hand than any rocks or tree roots that might impede her. ]

Bellamy, [ she chokes out as she falls to her knees in front of him. It's tempting to toss the gun aside once she has hold of it, to get it as far from them as possible, but she knows he'll want it again once they're feeling better — for protection, not for hurting himself. So she sets it aside instead, nearby but far enough that he'll have to actively reach for it.

Then her arms wrap tightly around him, hands fisted around his jacket. ] You promised. [ Her words are still strangled, the tightness of her throat making it difficult to speak, but she doesn't let it stop her as she presses her forehead to the curve of his jaw. ] You promised you'd stay alive for me, Bellamy, and that you wouldn't leave me. Do you remember? [ Her fingers tighten further, knuckles aching but she refuses to let up. ] You can't back out on that now.

Clary. [ There's so much emotion in his voice - relief from reuniting with her, guilt from seeing how upset she is - opening up his legs for her to kneel in the space between them. His arms envelop her too, pulling her tighter against him as soon as he recognizes the closer she is, the more the darkness and dread fades out of him. ]

I know - I remember now, I'm sorry. [ He's unsettled by the fact that he hadn't thought once of their promise while they were apart when it's so important to him. He never thought he'd get so close to breaking it - and not a heroic death, but by his own hand. The coward's way out. ]

I don't know what came over me... That wasn't me, Clary. [ He feels sick at the thought of how she could have found him if she'd been too late. The trauma he could have caused her. ] I can't believe I was gonna... I'd never choose death over seeing Octavia again. [ His hand finds her chin and tilts her face up to look at him. ] Never over being with you. You have to believe me... [ Now he's scared for a totally different reason - at the thought of losing her over the promise he almost broke. ] Please believe me.

[ Clary doesn't fight him when he guides her chin up, though it's difficult to see much of anything through the tears still welled in her eyes, nor is she able to contain the quiet, choked sob that escapes her when he says he'd never choose death over being with her. But she doesn't look away. And maybe she shouldn't believe him — if he were anyone else, he could be saying that just to assuage her, to make her believe he's safe and fine until she's gone again. Yet she knows Bellamy, trusts him with everything she's got, and knows too that he saw something out here in this strange forest that wasn't here a week ago. ]

I do, I believe you. [ Her fingers finally uncurl from his jacket so her hands can cup his face, feeling the warmth and solidity of him. Her chest and stomach still feel tight, heavy with worry, but he's never given her a reason to doubt him before, nor a reason to believe he'd ever want to do something like this of his own free will. (Though it's definitely going to be a while before she leaves him alone regardless, just in case she's wrong.)

Closing her eyes, uncaring if it means her tears finally fall down her cheeks, Clary rests her forehead against his, her hands shifting enough that she can lace her fingers through his hair. Despite the fact that she does believe him, she still promises, ] You'll never be alone, Bellamy. As long as I'm here, I'm with you. You hear me?

I hear you. [ While her eyes might be closed, his remain open to witness the tears spilling down her cheeks. Time and time again she allows herself to be vulnerable in front of him. She might see it as a weakness, but there's bravery in letting your walls down. He wishes he had the courage to do that more, without a monster influencing his emotions.

He keeps one hand cupped around the side of her neck, against her rune, the other threaded in her hair. ] If that had been our last conversation... There's so many things I should have said. [ Things he feels like he's holding back from saying to her because speaking them aloud makes it all the more real. But he can't keep treating what he has with Clary as just casual fun, not when they have moments like this that remind him that their connection is on another level he's never felt before. ]

I don't like talking about things that scare me... [ But he needs to know if she feels the same way about how their relationship is progressing. Maybe he's overthinking it, maybe she doesn't even like him as much as he likes her, but since they're on an emotional rollercoaster right now, they might as well keep riding it. ]

Do you ever feel scared about us? How closer we are than friends?

[ Though willing to show her vulnerability, Clary's been hesitant to address the way she feels about him, if only because of where they are. Not only because of what it takes to survive here (though they have plenty of sex together, she doubts they could ever be exclusive even if they both wanted it, not with the way this place messes with them through food or plants) but also because neither of them are from here. They come from different worlds and that means they could be separated at any time, and even if they both promise to do whatever they can to find one another again, it doesn't mean they'll be able to and that terrifies her.

Not putting her feelings into words has done nothing to keep them in check, however. In fact, they're much more difficult to ignore or push aside now, even in comparison to the day of the attack when she'd showed up bloody and wounded on his doorstep. The fear of losing him without a chance to say something surpasses the fear of the feelings themselves.

But she nods to his question anywa, forehead still pressed to his. ] Yeah, I do. [ Swallowing in an attempt to loosen the tightness of her throat, Clary pulls back as she opens her eyes, just enough that she won't go cross-eyed when she looks at him. ] I'm more scared of losing you, though. [ Whether like this (which she hopes never happens again) or some other way, the thought of him not being in her life anymore makes it difficult to breathe.

One hand stays at the back of his head while the other slides down to press against his chest, over his heart like when they'd made their promises to one another. ] I didn't want to say anything in case you didn't feel the same or it freaked you out or something — [ which is maybe crazy now, she realizes ] — but you mean so much to me, Bellamy. [ Her voice, already soft, goes a little quieter as her fingers curl slightly against his chest. ] I don't know what I'd do without you.

[ He's been freaking out internally over his own feelings even without her not speaking to him about it. It's only gotten worse since that "my girl" slip of the tongue, but it's not like that was even the first sign that they were taking their friendship to the next level. Him barging into her apartment when he thought she was in danger, making heartfelt promises to each other in the shower - and now this. He owes her this conversation for keeping him alive.

He takes her hand against his chest and slips it under his shirt, repositioning it back over his heart. Having her skin touching his just makes him feel so much more at ease. ]

You know you're my dream girl, right? [ He's told her how attracted to her he is before, how much he likes her as a person, but he's never actually put into words how crazy he is about her. ] You're not just beautiful, you're strong, you're kind, you're smart, you make me smile so much...

[ She's so easy to fall in love with. And he knows he's going to feel that way about her at some point. It's inevitable. He's halfway there already. The more he accepts his feelings for her, the more his heart will take over and completely attach itself to her. ]

I know what I wouldn't want you to do without me - be upset, or feel lost... I'd want you to be okay. One day without me, you're gonna keep being this amazing person for everyone to see because who you are makes people happy. [ Especially him these past few months. ]

[ After he repositions her hand, Clary presses it more firmly against him, feeling not only the heat of his skin directly but also the beat of his heart. It helps a lot with easing the tension in her chest, though his words make her own heart race for completely different reasons. Even her breath catches for a moment, overcome with the whirlwind of emotions the past hour has led her through.

She moves her other hand to brush back a curl from Bellamy's forehead as she listens to him, then lets her fingers trail over his temple, his cheek, before cupping his face again. And though she can feel her face warming with a blush, cheeks still wet with her tears, Clary doesn't let her gaze move from his. ]

I don't know if I'd be able to do that, but I'd try. For you. [ It would be incredibly difficult because she would feel lost and upset without him, but she'll just have to hope that when they are separated (not if, because she feels like it's just a matter of time) that it won't be for long. ] I'd do anything for you. You make me happier than I think I've ever been, happier than I should be here—

[ Her voice catches as more tears flood her eyes, though this time they're more jovial than anything, her emotions heightened and raw. ]

You don't look happy. [ Judging by his small smile (it's hard to smile too much right now because it feels bittersweet, confessing feelings for someone he knows he doesn't have much of a future with), he's only teasing her. ] For someone who makes you happy, I sure make you cry a lot...

[ He knows it's not her fault though, or his. It's this island putting them through stressful situations, throwing highs at them one day and then lows the next. But this island also brought them together - someone from another universe he never would have met - and for that reason he can never truly hate this place. Not even for taking him away from his sister.

His thumb brushes her wet cheek. ] So what do we do now? [ He's not asking what their next move is in terms of the day, but what they're going to do for however long they're still on this island. ] Because if you asked me that question, I wouldn't know.

[ He knows he wants to be with her, he knows he can't stay away from her (not that he's ever tried or has any desire to), but he doesn't want to see her get hurt. And the more attached to each other they become, the harder it's going to be in the long run to say goodbye. ]

I don't know how we do this... [ He desperately wants her to know, to have all the answers and guide him through this, to make him see they can make this work against all odds. His mouth grazes her cheek. ]

All I know is I want you, Clary. More than the way this started. [ More than sex. More and more each day. More than with anyone. ]

[ His comment gets another one of those half-choked sob-laughs, her eyes finally falling shut for a moment, unable to keep them open against the tears. ] They're not always mutually exclusive. [ And it's not like he's even been the root cause of her tears. If anything, he's been the one there to wipe them away, just as he does now, her face turning into his touch.

But his question has her drawing up short because, truth be told, she's not too sure either. This situation, this island, is so unlike anything she's ever imagined let alone experienced that she doesn't know where to start. (And maybe that's part of why she's avoided admitting this out loud for so long, not only to keep from freaking out Bellamy but also because she didn't want to admit that she had no idea how to handle it all.)

What she knows with absolute certainty, though, is that she trusts Bellamy with every bone in her body. ] You have me, Bellamy. [ It's easier to answer that portion of what he says before tackling his question, the words murmured and still a bit teary. The hand at his jaw moves once more to the back of his head, fingers lacing through his hair. ] I've been your girl for a while now, whether you realize it or not. [ Which is why his backpedaling when he'd called her that hit in such a rough way.

She stays like that for a moment, cheek resting against his, thumb brushing against his chest beneath his shirt. Then she lets out a heavy breath, sniffling briefly after. ] As for how we do this... We just try. [ It seems as good an answer as any.

Shifting back once more to look at him, Clary pulls her hand away — the one at the back of his head, not the one beneath his shirt — to wipe her cheeks. ] It's not like this place will let us have a conventional relationship, so we just... promise to be honest with one another and never hide anything. To talk to one another about everything. [ It might sound like she's super enlightened but, honestly, it's only thanks to Vidar. Knowing he's managed to have a relationship here, even if they've hit some bumps, tells her it could work. Or at the very least it's worth a shot. ]

I just want to be with you, Bellamy, whatever that means here. I — [ She sniffles again, another fresh wave of tears coming on. ] I can't imagine my life without you in it anymore. And I know I'll have to someday, that we'll have to say goodbye — [ when her voice catches this time, Clary forces herself to continue ] — but I want to spend every minute I can with you until then.

[ He smiles at her calling herself his girl, even though he feels bad since he had a feeling he might have upset her by taking it back that day he let it slip, but she'd obviously put on a brave face. ]

I guess I was worried seeing you as my girl might hold you back here. [ He doesn't want her to feel like she's sacrificing any of her freedom to be with him. ] It's bad enough that we're trapped on this island, but I don't want you to feel trapped by me. [ By his feelings for her. If they'd met in his world, he would have accepted how serious they were becoming a lot sooner and called her not just his girl, but probably his girlfriend in next to no time at all. But it's a lot more complicated here. ]

I'm not sure being honest about everything is such a good idea. [ Don't get him wrong, he feels comfortable talking to her about most things. But there is one subject they've never discussed here: sex with other people. And while Bellamy has been having a lot less sex with others, he can't rule out it never happening again when the island throws them into situations where they feel inclined to have sex with the nearest person. ] I think there's both stuff we don't want to hear about... [ Specfically every little detail of how someone else made them orgasm. ]

But I promise, whatever happens with other people will never compare to what I have with you. [ Because there would never be as much emotion or feeling he puts into everything he does with Clary. No conversation or act of intimacy comes close to how he connects with her. ] I'll always come back to you... To my girl. [ He says that confidently this time, like he's willing to say it a thousand more times to make up for retracting it the other day.

He knows she's practically crying again, but when he's not sure what more he can say, the only way he can think to comfort her is by kissing her. A soft, lingering kiss while his hands rub up and down her back, soothing her, reassuring her he's right here with her in this moment and that's what they should focus on, not what their doomed future could possibly hold. Even if their happiness is short-lived, they ought to try, as Clary said. ]

I could never feel trapped by you, Bellamy. [ Voice breaking or not, Clary's determined to make that point. ] Never. Since the moment I met you, I've felt... Freer. Braver. Like I could take on anything as long as I had you there beside me. [ Sure, maybe it was mostly with regard to exploring her sexuality at first, but it's never been just about that. He's been someone she could rely on and trust, who was always willing to push her further or hold her depending on what she needed. ] You make me feel safe, but never trapped.

[ As for the rest of what he says, well — she'd meant "everything" more along the lines of the emotional side of things, being honest about sleeping with other people but not the specifics. But the clarification doesn't really seem pertinent right now because even if he doesn't tell her (so long as he doesn't try to hide it or deny it, which she wouldn't expect), she trusts Bellamy. She believes what he says, here and now, and knows without a doubt that it's the same for her.

But her throat's too tight to say as much so she puts her feelings into the kiss instead, the hand beneath his shirt staying there while the other slides familiarly to the back of his head, fingers lacing almost possessively this time through his hair. She keeps the kiss soft, though it has far more to do with the tears still spilling freely down her cheeks than anything. Still, there's a sense of desperation almost, the fear she feels at being so close to losing him combined with the exhilaration of them finally knowing and admitting where they stand with one another combining into something that's difficult for her to hide. And at this point, she's not even sure if she should bother.

Eventually, she does break the kiss, both arms moving to dip between his jacket and shirt, holding him close as she curls into him, burying her face against his chest. Though it takes a moment, she manages to get herself under slightly better control, sniffling as she turns her head to press her ear to his chest, just above his heart. ] Say it again. [ The request comes softly, but he'll be able to hear the smile starting to form on her face. Nothing quite as bright or easy as he usually brings out in her, but genuinely happy all the same, even amidst everything else she's feeling at the moment. ]

[ He feels safe with her too at this moment, even after confessing things he was so scared to tell her, even after that monster made him feel his fate was to die alone. The thought of seeing the monster again once they try to find a way out of the forest doesn't fill him with fear, not with Clary by his side. She's proved she can protect him just as much as he wants to protect her, if not better with her abilities. And there's so much light in her that melts away every negative thought in his head. She doesn't just make him feel good - she is good for him. She inspires him to shine as brightly as her and on the days her light has gone out, he reignites a spark within her.

Resting his chin against the top of her head, he strokes a hand through her hair while they embrace silently. He feels a weight off his shoulders for finally put his cards on the table, though this isn't nearly as romantic as he would have liked it to have been. He wishes that night he first let 'my girl' slip, that when he went over to see her and they pretended like it never happened, he'd told her everything she knows now. But Bellamy isn't perfect and neither is their relationship. Now they know how they both feel for one another and that's all that matters.

He presses a kiss to the top of her head before tilting her face up with his fingers under her chin so he can make eye contact with her. ] You're my girl, Clary. Don't ever let me forget that. [ Because there might be moments where he thinks he doesn't deserve to give her that title, but he'll never stop feeling like he wants a part of her to belong to him, the most important part of her no one else can touch the way he can - her heart. She can sleep with as many people as she wants on this island as long as she reserves her heart for him. ]

[ Perhaps the fact that she's cried in front of him before helps keep her from resisting when he lifts her face, even though she has no doubt that she's red and splotchy. Or maybe she's just so focused on the moment, on him, that she can't bring herself to care. Whatever the case, she meets his gaze easily, her hand moving to his to hold it to her cheek.

Would this have been better if it had happened with them curled up in bed, or sharing some treat beneath their tree one afternoon rather than in this creepy forest, both of them running high on adrenaline? Probably. But hearing Bellamy call her his girl — meaning it, too — is perfect, no matter how it came about. ]

I won't, I promise. [ Turning into his palm, eyes closing for a brief moment, Clary presses her lips to his skin. It's not really a kiss, more just a more purposeful point of contact, and then she opens her eyes to look at him again. ] With how many times I'll want to hear it, I don't think you'll be able to forget anyway. [ She gives him a small but happy smile, even if it's a half-assed attempt at teasing, her heart not really in it considering everything else that's led to this point.

Then she moves to stand, wiping her cheeks with her free hand, the other sliding into Bellamy's to entwine their fingers and give him a gentle tug. ] Come on, Bellamy, let's get out of here; this place is giving me the creeps. [ Not to mention she's exhausted now and can imagine he feels much the same. ] I also want to curl up in your arms and that's way more comfortable in a bed.

[ If he'll let her, Clary will also try to pick up the gun and carry it back herself, if only to give them both a little extra peace of mind. ]

erku | ic inbox

done.

cw: guns and suicidal thoughts

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w o w this got away from me

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