[ Clary's hand finally returns to her side, fingers still wrapped around her device, when she sees Poe. She hadn't fully realized it until now but there was a part of her still clinging to hope that Poe was wrong, that this was all some horrible, unfortunate misunderstanding. But seeing how disheveled he is, feeling the emptiness of the apartment, the silence almost deafening...
Her device clatters to the floor and were it not for quick movements in his part, she'd likely have tripped over BB-8 getting to Poe. Breathing becomes even more difficult as her throat seizes further, choking on tears as her arms wrap around him — strong and desperate, like she expects it to be the only thing keeping him from falling to pieces. Keeping both of them from crumbling.
One hand fists around his shirt while the other laces frozen fingers through his hair, her face burying immediately into the side of his neck. Losing Lorna had been difficult. Izzy, too, though she had only been here a short time. But the disappearance of Finn feels insurmountable, her heart broken not only for herself but infinitely more for Poe.
Saying "I'm sorry" again feels cheap and insincere, so she just holds onto him and will keep holding on until he pulls away. ]
[ They've both lost people, here and back in their own galaxies, and Poe figures that feels the same no matter how different their lives might be, or how often it happens to them. The losses still cut deep, and none more so than when it hits someone so close, he knows all too well that Clary cared about Finn too, not just the two of them together but also completely independently of how she feels about him. He's not even sure she's lost someone she was this attached to before, he knows some previous ones have been hard to swallow and they've been there for each other through those too, but he's not going to ask. Not that he's really in a good position to ask her anything at all when they're both trying to deal with tears and an ache that twists in the chest like a knife. He knows she feels it too, that's enough.
He couldn't say for sure how long he's just standing there with her, holding her tight, one hand stroking over her hair while he nuzzles his face in against the side of her neck since she's tilted against his, so that they're wound up as close as two people can be without taking clothes out of the equation. He couldn't find the words to tell her, but it's because she's holding him so tight that he can let those pieces fall — otherwise he'd be stubbornly holding himself together, but in this case trying to stifle his emotions wouldn't do anything to reassure her. She knows him too well.
So he's just... letting them both fall apart for a few minutes that feel like days, comforting her and letting her comfort him in turn, the chill from her walk slowly melting away against his own warmth.
Eventually he does shift, but not away from her. The hand that was stroking over her hair slides to her face instead, the back of his fingers brushing over her cheek, and then it's his lips pressing softly against her hair, followed by a slow exhale that's unsteady but warm. ]
I don't know what I would have done if they'd taken you too.
[ It's the first person that she's cared for so deeply, been so close to, that has been taken from the city. Lorna was close, though it seemed like a good portion of that certainly stemmed from the fake life the city had given them, a relationship whose echoes reverberated some once they returned to normal. But Finn was someone who had meant a lot to her without any interference or encouragement from Duplicity, someone she wanted a lot more time with than she got. Poe gets to return to him someday, though even that's an incredibly small comfort, especially since it seems unlikely that either would remember their time here back home.
Losing Poe would have been even harder, the mere thought tearing a quiet sob from her as she nods in agreement to what he says, fingers curling tighter around his shirt. It's enough to make Clary's knuckles ache a bit but she refuses to let go, even as she turns her head more fully into his touch. The hand in his hair disentangles, moving instead to catch his wrist, holding his arm there so she can turn her face into his palm. The way her lips press against the heel is hardly a kiss but she lingers, sniffling softly.
It's there against his hand that she speaks, voice soft and broken with tears. ] I couldn't survive this place without you. [ The admission feels as heavy as the loss they're suffering, but it's the truth. Even with a bunch of people from home here, Poe is the one who has always been there for her, has given her something bright and wonderful in all of the awful this place serves up. She'd told him long ago that she didn't want to become a complication, didn't want to cause problems with everything he had going on with Gwen and Finn. But now, faced with the sudden disappearance of someone she cared for, knowing that either one of them could be taken next...
She sniffles again, hand moving now to hold his, fingers curled over his palm as she lifts her head to look at him. Her cheeks are wet, her eyes feel somewhat puffy, and she's sure her face is a splotchy mess but she doesn't care. None of that matters, not right now. ]
I love you, Poe. I know that makes things really messy and complicated and so not what we wanted this to be, but I— [ Her voice breaks again but she continues on. ] I do.
[ Poe's never seen her cry before, definitely not like this, and it's as devastating as he would have expected it to be. That's a whole different pain to the one that's already settled heavy on his chest, not so much making things worse as somewhat redirecting those feelings, but it is more natural to him to comfort her rather than let himself linger in his own pain with no obvious outlet. She grips onto his hand and he relinquishes it to her, instead softly nuzzling against her other cheek, and without the intervention of conscious thought that turns into even softer kisses, his fingers curled slightly against her other cheek, almost cradling it while he seems to be trying to kiss away the tears. It's alright that this doesn't do much to alleviate the ache, there's no easy solution to that for either of them and they both know it. The best they can do is comfort each other as much as they can in it.
He wants to disagree, to tell her that she would survive without him. Obviously that's not ever something he would willing do to her, but she's so passionate and sweet and genuinely caring, as hard as it might be she would find a way forward, with or without him. But he knows what she means too. These losses won't kill them, but they do change them, for better or for worse. Life goes on, but it's never the same, he learned that lesson from a very young age, so he's not about to tell her that losing people isn't the end of the world. Sometimes it is, at least for a while.
As her fingers curl around his he brings their hands up so that he can press those kisses to the back of her knuckles instead, and when she finds her voice again he doesn't exactly stop, but it does hit him hard. There's nothing shocking about it, maybe they haven't said that out loud in the 'real' world, but that's been there, hanging over them ever since they experienced it in another life. And she's right about the complication part, he's too open and vulnerable at the moment for those tangled up feelings to be anything but easily read across his face, but he doesn't resent that she's said it. He couldn't. ]
Clary... [ How could he even start to explain how it makes him feel? There's a warmth that blossoms in his chest, despite everything, to know that she cares so strongly about him, it's just immediately tempered by the awareness that he can't give her what she wants and deserves, and accepting what she gives him feels so selfish because of that. It's not fair for him to take up that space when she deserves someone who would give her everything.
In the right time and place, that could have been him. Maybe that's why it's so hard, since she seems to know that too. He can't change how he feels any more than she can.
The only thing he can do is hug her close, even closer so that his face is pressed into her hair again. Somehow it hurts more to have been on the other side of this, he knows all too well what it's like. But at least wrapping his arms around her and holding her tight is the opposite of pushing her away, no matter how messy and complicated it might be. If she decides it's too much, he'll let her go, but... otherwise he can't, selfish as it might be. ]
You know how I feel about you.
[ He said it, didn't he? And he hasn't taken it back. ]
[ She doesn't fight him when he pulls her into another hug, nor does she pull back at all, though there is admittedly a small pang of disappointment that he doesn't say it back. She knows why, of course, and she does know how he feels about her — confirmed outwardly with a nod as well — but it still stings a bit not to hear him say it now. It's part of the complication of her, of them, though, of having gotten this tangled up in one another despite the best of intentions to just be friends.
It was a failed mission from the start, truth be told, something that she's realized recently, though it seems unimportant to actually voice that out loud. Especially today of all days.
Both arms stay wrapped tight around him, her face burying into his shoulder this time, unwilling to let go. Feeling the beat of Poe's heart against her chest, the warmth of his body long since chased away the chill of her own... It's the only thing she can think of that could offer any semblance of comfort right now. And he seems just as disinclined to separate from her. ]
I'm sorry.
[ Maybe she's apologizing for her admission, for making things more complicated than they'd already become, or maybe she's apologizing again for Finn's disappearance. Probably both. Either way, the words are mumbled and still broken, very likely lost against the fabric of his shirt. ]
[ It hurts to know how Clary feels, even if he can't see her face he knows, and somehow it's just sharper when he could echo those words back to her and he would be telling nothing but the truth, but then holding it back was never about saving himself from having to face uncomfortable realities, it's all about commitments he's made, and others that he can't. As tangled up and messy as things might be, when they're face to face with it, he couldn't live with himself if he felt like he was stringing her along, giving her hope for something that might never happen. He knows better than to say that anything's impossible, but as things are he can only give her so much. And she deserves everything.
He wants to tell her that. He wants to tell her that he's sorry, but it's all way too much right now, the words just aren't there yet. Still, he's shaking his head at her apology, his breath catching sharply in his throat before he manages to let it out. Somehow he manages to slip a hand to the side of her face, his fingertips stroking over her jawline before gently tipping her face back up toward him, so that he can press a soft kiss to her lips while cupping her cheek. Maybe he can't tell her everything that he's feeling right now, but there's at least one thing that he has to say, if nothing else. ]
Don't be. [ He squeezes his other arm tighter around her waist. ] I'm glad that you're here.
[ No matter how complicated or messy it might be. He still wants to be with her. ]
[ Clary doesn't resist when he guides her face up, though she doesn't open her eyes, the tightness of her throat all that much worse after hearing Poe's breath catch like that. It works out, though, as his lips find hers, a kiss she returns easily before pressing her forehead to his. One of her own hands untangles from him to wipe at the cheek he's not cupping, although it admittedly does very little to dry her tears, even if they're coming somewhat slower now. ]
I'll be here however long you want me to be, Poe. [ Even she can hear how that sounds, especially on the coattails of her earlier admission — and maybe some part of her means it that way. But she says it to confirm that she's here with him, physically, for as long as he needs, that she won't leave him alone as he tries to deal with the loss of Finn.
Her hand settles on his chest, palm pressed to the spot above his heart, fingers curling some against the fabric there. Sniffling again, Clary opens her eyes, though she doesn't pull back to look at him properly; instead, she keeps her gaze low on his lips, though she's not even fully seeing them anyway. ]
I'm glad you were the one to tell me. [ It feels important to acknowledge that, since she hadn't had a chance earlier. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Her device clatters to the floor and were it not for quick movements in his part, she'd likely have tripped over BB-8 getting to Poe. Breathing becomes even more difficult as her throat seizes further, choking on tears as her arms wrap around him — strong and desperate, like she expects it to be the only thing keeping him from falling to pieces. Keeping both of them from crumbling.
One hand fists around his shirt while the other laces frozen fingers through his hair, her face burying immediately into the side of his neck. Losing Lorna had been difficult. Izzy, too, though she had only been here a short time. But the disappearance of Finn feels insurmountable, her heart broken not only for herself but infinitely more for Poe.
Saying "I'm sorry" again feels cheap and insincere, so she just holds onto him and will keep holding on until he pulls away. ]
no subject
He couldn't say for sure how long he's just standing there with her, holding her tight, one hand stroking over her hair while he nuzzles his face in against the side of her neck since she's tilted against his, so that they're wound up as close as two people can be without taking clothes out of the equation. He couldn't find the words to tell her, but it's because she's holding him so tight that he can let those pieces fall — otherwise he'd be stubbornly holding himself together, but in this case trying to stifle his emotions wouldn't do anything to reassure her. She knows him too well.
So he's just... letting them both fall apart for a few minutes that feel like days, comforting her and letting her comfort him in turn, the chill from her walk slowly melting away against his own warmth.
Eventually he does shift, but not away from her. The hand that was stroking over her hair slides to her face instead, the back of his fingers brushing over her cheek, and then it's his lips pressing softly against her hair, followed by a slow exhale that's unsteady but warm. ]
I don't know what I would have done if they'd taken you too.
no subject
Losing Poe would have been even harder, the mere thought tearing a quiet sob from her as she nods in agreement to what he says, fingers curling tighter around his shirt. It's enough to make Clary's knuckles ache a bit but she refuses to let go, even as she turns her head more fully into his touch. The hand in his hair disentangles, moving instead to catch his wrist, holding his arm there so she can turn her face into his palm. The way her lips press against the heel is hardly a kiss but she lingers, sniffling softly.
It's there against his hand that she speaks, voice soft and broken with tears. ] I couldn't survive this place without you. [ The admission feels as heavy as the loss they're suffering, but it's the truth. Even with a bunch of people from home here, Poe is the one who has always been there for her, has given her something bright and wonderful in all of the awful this place serves up. She'd told him long ago that she didn't want to become a complication, didn't want to cause problems with everything he had going on with Gwen and Finn. But now, faced with the sudden disappearance of someone she cared for, knowing that either one of them could be taken next...
She sniffles again, hand moving now to hold his, fingers curled over his palm as she lifts her head to look at him. Her cheeks are wet, her eyes feel somewhat puffy, and she's sure her face is a splotchy mess but she doesn't care. None of that matters, not right now. ]
I love you, Poe. I know that makes things really messy and complicated and so not what we wanted this to be, but I— [ Her voice breaks again but she continues on. ] I do.
no subject
He wants to disagree, to tell her that she would survive without him. Obviously that's not ever something he would willing do to her, but she's so passionate and sweet and genuinely caring, as hard as it might be she would find a way forward, with or without him. But he knows what she means too. These losses won't kill them, but they do change them, for better or for worse. Life goes on, but it's never the same, he learned that lesson from a very young age, so he's not about to tell her that losing people isn't the end of the world. Sometimes it is, at least for a while.
As her fingers curl around his he brings their hands up so that he can press those kisses to the back of her knuckles instead, and when she finds her voice again he doesn't exactly stop, but it does hit him hard. There's nothing shocking about it, maybe they haven't said that out loud in the 'real' world, but that's been there, hanging over them ever since they experienced it in another life. And she's right about the complication part, he's too open and vulnerable at the moment for those tangled up feelings to be anything but easily read across his face, but he doesn't resent that she's said it. He couldn't. ]
Clary... [ How could he even start to explain how it makes him feel? There's a warmth that blossoms in his chest, despite everything, to know that she cares so strongly about him, it's just immediately tempered by the awareness that he can't give her what she wants and deserves, and accepting what she gives him feels so selfish because of that. It's not fair for him to take up that space when she deserves someone who would give her everything.
In the right time and place, that could have been him. Maybe that's why it's so hard, since she seems to know that too. He can't change how he feels any more than she can.
The only thing he can do is hug her close, even closer so that his face is pressed into her hair again. Somehow it hurts more to have been on the other side of this, he knows all too well what it's like. But at least wrapping his arms around her and holding her tight is the opposite of pushing her away, no matter how messy and complicated it might be. If she decides it's too much, he'll let her go, but... otherwise he can't, selfish as it might be. ]
You know how I feel about you.
[ He said it, didn't he? And he hasn't taken it back. ]
no subject
It was a failed mission from the start, truth be told, something that she's realized recently, though it seems unimportant to actually voice that out loud. Especially today of all days.
Both arms stay wrapped tight around him, her face burying into his shoulder this time, unwilling to let go. Feeling the beat of Poe's heart against her chest, the warmth of his body long since chased away the chill of her own... It's the only thing she can think of that could offer any semblance of comfort right now. And he seems just as disinclined to separate from her. ]
I'm sorry.
[ Maybe she's apologizing for her admission, for making things more complicated than they'd already become, or maybe she's apologizing again for Finn's disappearance. Probably both. Either way, the words are mumbled and still broken, very likely lost against the fabric of his shirt. ]
no subject
He wants to tell her that. He wants to tell her that he's sorry, but it's all way too much right now, the words just aren't there yet. Still, he's shaking his head at her apology, his breath catching sharply in his throat before he manages to let it out. Somehow he manages to slip a hand to the side of her face, his fingertips stroking over her jawline before gently tipping her face back up toward him, so that he can press a soft kiss to her lips while cupping her cheek. Maybe he can't tell her everything that he's feeling right now, but there's at least one thing that he has to say, if nothing else. ]
Don't be. [ He squeezes his other arm tighter around her waist. ] I'm glad that you're here.
[ No matter how complicated or messy it might be. He still wants to be with her. ]
no subject
I'll be here however long you want me to be, Poe. [ Even she can hear how that sounds, especially on the coattails of her earlier admission — and maybe some part of her means it that way. But she says it to confirm that she's here with him, physically, for as long as he needs, that she won't leave him alone as he tries to deal with the loss of Finn.
Her hand settles on his chest, palm pressed to the spot above his heart, fingers curling some against the fabric there. Sniffling again, Clary opens her eyes, though she doesn't pull back to look at him properly; instead, she keeps her gaze low on his lips, though she's not even fully seeing them anyway. ]
I'm glad you were the one to tell me. [ It feels important to acknowledge that, since she hadn't had a chance earlier. ]