biscuity | erku | ic inbox

I have no idea where I am right now and it's getting dark

I think something's following me. I saw it between the trees

it wants me to think it's gone but I know it's still out there. what does it want from me?

clary where are you? I feel so alone right now I

I need help

I hate this. I hate this feeling. how do I make it stop?

I know what I have to do

I'm sorry

Just stay put, I'll come fin

[ Clary hits send on her response accidentally as more messages come in from Bellamy, each one progressively making her stomach twist tighter and tighter with worry. She was already in the process of grabbing her things but by the time 'I need help' gets sent, she's racing out of her apartment, not even pausing to lock the door behind her. Her Seraph blade and stele are on her; everything else she owns can be replaced. What matters is finding Bellamy and stopping whatever it is he's planning because that last message leaves her feeling hollow and terrified. ]

[ She doesn't know his exact location but he mentioned trees, and she knows there's that new path leading to the hot springs. Nowhere else on the island is covered in that thick of a forest, so she books it in that direction, trying to text at the same time. ]

bellamy j'm coming please don't do anything

yoy're going to be fine i promise you're not alone

[ Typing while running proves to be difficult — and dangerous — however, so she slows just enough to switch over to the audio setting. As soon as it starts calling Bellamy she starts running again, avoiding the path entirely and heading behind the fence into the treeline instead. ]

Come on, pick up.

[ Rather than running too deep into the forest Clary forces herself to stop, scanning the area immediately around her. She knows it's unlikely to find him within seconds of being here so she keeps letting her bracelet ring, hoping he'll answer. Never before has she longed to hear someone's voice this badly, the exception perhaps being her mom through the portal shard necklace. But her mom was alive; Bellamy—

Bellamy has a gun. ]

Pick up. Pick up, pick up, pick up. [ She's breathless from more than just the sprint over here, the panic making her chest ache, but she keeps moving. Slowly and with her eyes and ears trying to catch something to lead her in the right direction, or prove that he's okay, but moving nonetheless. ]

Please, Bellamy, just pick up...

[ He doesn't read her texts that follow his - not because he's ignoring her on purpose but because the thoughts the Mothman has forced upon him are so overwhelming, it's hard for him to register anything else, like the fact that the one person he needs the most right now has read every text he sent and wants to be there for him. He's not alone, she's nearby, she's so close - but her messages stay unread.

It's worse than the hallucinations he experienced after he ate psychoactive nuts back home because at least he had visions of people he thought he killed to keep him company. Right now he feels like the last man on Earth.

Slumped against a tree, gun in hand, he feels like there's no other way to free himself from the weight of the world he feels on his shoulders right now. He raises the weapon to his temple -

And that's when his bracelet vibrates to let him know someone's calling him. He stares at the name on the screen. Clary. He can't not pick up, not when it's her. He lowers his gun for the moment, holding it by his side. ]

Clary? I can't talk right now, I have to— [ He sounds so unlike his usual self, so frantic. ] There's only one way out... [ And the answer is in his hand. ]

[ The relief Clary feels when he picks up is gone as quickly as it came, the tone of his voice as disconcerting as the words he says. But she forces herself to keep moving, wishing the bracelets had some kind of location tracking feature. ]

No, Bellamy— [ She forces herself to stop, to take a breath, and try to calm down because she'll be no help if she's panicking. (It's easier said than done, but she tries her best.) ] Bellamy, please, just let me help. I can, I promise. [ It doesn't matter that she has no idea what he saw or what caused this; she'll do everything in her power to get answers and fix it, no matter what. ]

Just stay on the line with me, okay? I'm going to find you, but you can't hang up.

Are you out here? [ Part of him feels comforted by the idea that she could be close, whilst the other half of him feels dread over her being in the exact position he's in right now. What if she saw what he saw? It's fine if he dies alone in these woods, but if the same fate happened to her... ]

No... You have to turn back, Clary. If you get lost out here because of me... [ He might still sound perturbed but at least he hasn't ended the call when he could have. She's managing to distract him from a decision he only feels is right in his current state of mind. Under normal circumstances, he's usually the one trying to talk someone out of doing something stupid. ]

It's my own fault. I deserve this. I deserve to be alone...

No, you don't. [ Terrified though she is, Clary's voice is strong when she says that, firm in a way that she's probably never spoken to Bellamy before. Whatever caused this, whatever he saw that made him feel this way, she's going to destroy however she can. ] You don't deserve any of this. You deserve to be happy, to be with people who care about you.

[ It's the next part that comes out softer, almost pleading: ] You deserve to be with me, and I'm not leaving this place without you. [ She means the forest, of course, but also the island. He promised to come back for her if he ever left and she knows she would do the same, that she'd fight as hard as she could — and then some — to get back to him. But especially now, hearing how unlike himself Bellamy sounds, there's literally nothing that could convince her to turn around. ]

[ Clary had stopped for a moment, almost unaware of it, but shakes herself back into focus. Although he hasn't hung up yet and she's unbelievably thankful for that, this won't get her any closer to actually finding him and she knows that's more imperative than anything else. So she starts walking again, moving further into the forest. ]

I need you to tell me what you see, Bellamy, anything distinctive or noticeable. Please— [ Her voice catches a little on that word, one that's usually used playfully with him, and it takes a moment for her to continue. ] Please just give me something.

[ You deserve to be with me. Looking back at this moment, he'll realize just how important those words are. They don't have as much of an impact on him as they normally would because of the darkness that's encompassing him at the moment, but as soon as she finds him and they're touching, he'll feel it all at once. ]

I don't see anything but trees. [ He answers hopelessly - and then he notices a flash of color in the distance, the vibrancy of her hair standing out amongst the leaves. ]

Stop. [ If she doesn't - if she keeps going, she'll move further away from him. He could have let her keep going, stay lost - but now he sees her, all he wants is to have her close. ] I see you... Look right.

[ She's still a significant distance away from him, but he should be visible to her once she turns her head. He looks down at the gun in his hand and holds it out for her to take once she's close enough. ] Take it. [ He doesn't trust himself with it right now. ]

[ Clary stops only half a second after he tells her to, scanning the immediate area for signs of him. When he instructs her to look to the right she does, heart racing in her chest, and squints a little until she spots him. He's not quite as easy to make out as she is as nothing Bellamy wears stands out as well against the foliage, but it only takes a moment.

And then she's running, bracelet forgotten in favor of reaching him as quickly as possible. She doesn't even pay much attention to the ground in front of her, caring far more about the gun she sees in his hand than any rocks or tree roots that might impede her. ]

Bellamy, [ she chokes out as she falls to her knees in front of him. It's tempting to toss the gun aside once she has hold of it, to get it as far from them as possible, but she knows he'll want it again once they're feeling better — for protection, not for hurting himself. So she sets it aside instead, nearby but far enough that he'll have to actively reach for it.

Then her arms wrap tightly around him, hands fisted around his jacket. ] You promised. [ Her words are still strangled, the tightness of her throat making it difficult to speak, but she doesn't let it stop her as she presses her forehead to the curve of his jaw. ] You promised you'd stay alive for me, Bellamy, and that you wouldn't leave me. Do you remember? [ Her fingers tighten further, knuckles aching but she refuses to let up. ] You can't back out on that now.

Clary. [ There's so much emotion in his voice - relief from reuniting with her, guilt from seeing how upset she is - opening up his legs for her to kneel in the space between them. His arms envelop her too, pulling her tighter against him as soon as he recognizes the closer she is, the more the darkness and dread fades out of him. ]

I know - I remember now, I'm sorry. [ He's unsettled by the fact that he hadn't thought once of their promise while they were apart when it's so important to him. He never thought he'd get so close to breaking it - and not a heroic death, but by his own hand. The coward's way out. ]

I don't know what came over me... That wasn't me, Clary. [ He feels sick at the thought of how she could have found him if she'd been too late. The trauma he could have caused her. ] I can't believe I was gonna... I'd never choose death over seeing Octavia again. [ His hand finds her chin and tilts her face up to look at him. ] Never over being with you. You have to believe me... [ Now he's scared for a totally different reason - at the thought of losing her over the promise he almost broke. ] Please believe me.

[ Clary doesn't fight him when he guides her chin up, though it's difficult to see much of anything through the tears still welled in her eyes, nor is she able to contain the quiet, choked sob that escapes her when he says he'd never choose death over being with her. But she doesn't look away. And maybe she shouldn't believe him — if he were anyone else, he could be saying that just to assuage her, to make her believe he's safe and fine until she's gone again. Yet she knows Bellamy, trusts him with everything she's got, and knows too that he saw something out here in this strange forest that wasn't here a week ago. ]

I do, I believe you. [ Her fingers finally uncurl from his jacket so her hands can cup his face, feeling the warmth and solidity of him. Her chest and stomach still feel tight, heavy with worry, but he's never given her a reason to doubt him before, nor a reason to believe he'd ever want to do something like this of his own free will. (Though it's definitely going to be a while before she leaves him alone regardless, just in case she's wrong.)

Closing her eyes, uncaring if it means her tears finally fall down her cheeks, Clary rests her forehead against his, her hands shifting enough that she can lace her fingers through his hair. Despite the fact that she does believe him, she still promises, ] You'll never be alone, Bellamy. As long as I'm here, I'm with you. You hear me?

I hear you. [ While her eyes might be closed, his remain open to witness the tears spilling down her cheeks. Time and time again she allows herself to be vulnerable in front of him. She might see it as a weakness, but there's bravery in letting your walls down. He wishes he had the courage to do that more, without a monster influencing his emotions.

He keeps one hand cupped around the side of her neck, against her rune, the other threaded in her hair. ] If that had been our last conversation... There's so many things I should have said. [ Things he feels like he's holding back from saying to her because speaking them aloud makes it all the more real. But he can't keep treating what he has with Clary as just casual fun, not when they have moments like this that remind him that their connection is on another level he's never felt before. ]

I don't like talking about things that scare me... [ But he needs to know if she feels the same way about how their relationship is progressing. Maybe he's overthinking it, maybe she doesn't even like him as much as he likes her, but since they're on an emotional rollercoaster right now, they might as well keep riding it. ]

Do you ever feel scared about us? How closer we are than friends?

[ Though willing to show her vulnerability, Clary's been hesitant to address the way she feels about him, if only because of where they are. Not only because of what it takes to survive here (though they have plenty of sex together, she doubts they could ever be exclusive even if they both wanted it, not with the way this place messes with them through food or plants) but also because neither of them are from here. They come from different worlds and that means they could be separated at any time, and even if they both promise to do whatever they can to find one another again, it doesn't mean they'll be able to and that terrifies her.

Not putting her feelings into words has done nothing to keep them in check, however. In fact, they're much more difficult to ignore or push aside now, even in comparison to the day of the attack when she'd showed up bloody and wounded on his doorstep. The fear of losing him without a chance to say something surpasses the fear of the feelings themselves.

But she nods to his question anywa, forehead still pressed to his. ] Yeah, I do. [ Swallowing in an attempt to loosen the tightness of her throat, Clary pulls back as she opens her eyes, just enough that she won't go cross-eyed when she looks at him. ] I'm more scared of losing you, though. [ Whether like this (which she hopes never happens again) or some other way, the thought of him not being in her life anymore makes it difficult to breathe.

One hand stays at the back of his head while the other slides down to press against his chest, over his heart like when they'd made their promises to one another. ] I didn't want to say anything in case you didn't feel the same or it freaked you out or something — [ which is maybe crazy now, she realizes ] — but you mean so much to me, Bellamy. [ Her voice, already soft, goes a little quieter as her fingers curl slightly against his chest. ] I don't know what I'd do without you.

[ He's been freaking out internally over his own feelings even without her not speaking to him about it. It's only gotten worse since that "my girl" slip of the tongue, but it's not like that was even the first sign that they were taking their friendship to the next level. Him barging into her apartment when he thought she was in danger, making heartfelt promises to each other in the shower - and now this. He owes her this conversation for keeping him alive.

He takes her hand against his chest and slips it under his shirt, repositioning it back over his heart. Having her skin touching his just makes him feel so much more at ease. ]

You know you're my dream girl, right? [ He's told her how attracted to her he is before, how much he likes her as a person, but he's never actually put into words how crazy he is about her. ] You're not just beautiful, you're strong, you're kind, you're smart, you make me smile so much...

[ She's so easy to fall in love with. And he knows he's going to feel that way about her at some point. It's inevitable. He's halfway there already. The more he accepts his feelings for her, the more his heart will take over and completely attach itself to her. ]

I know what I wouldn't want you to do without me - be upset, or feel lost... I'd want you to be okay. One day without me, you're gonna keep being this amazing person for everyone to see because who you are makes people happy. [ Especially him these past few months. ]

[ After he repositions her hand, Clary presses it more firmly against him, feeling not only the heat of his skin directly but also the beat of his heart. It helps a lot with easing the tension in her chest, though his words make her own heart race for completely different reasons. Even her breath catches for a moment, overcome with the whirlwind of emotions the past hour has led her through.

She moves her other hand to brush back a curl from Bellamy's forehead as she listens to him, then lets her fingers trail over his temple, his cheek, before cupping his face again. And though she can feel her face warming with a blush, cheeks still wet with her tears, Clary doesn't let her gaze move from his. ]

I don't know if I'd be able to do that, but I'd try. For you. [ It would be incredibly difficult because she would feel lost and upset without him, but she'll just have to hope that when they are separated (not if, because she feels like it's just a matter of time) that it won't be for long. ] I'd do anything for you. You make me happier than I think I've ever been, happier than I should be here—

[ Her voice catches as more tears flood her eyes, though this time they're more jovial than anything, her emotions heightened and raw. ]

You don't look happy. [ Judging by his small smile (it's hard to smile too much right now because it feels bittersweet, confessing feelings for someone he knows he doesn't have much of a future with), he's only teasing her. ] For someone who makes you happy, I sure make you cry a lot...

[ He knows it's not her fault though, or his. It's this island putting them through stressful situations, throwing highs at them one day and then lows the next. But this island also brought them together - someone from another universe he never would have met - and for that reason he can never truly hate this place. Not even for taking him away from his sister.

His thumb brushes her wet cheek. ] So what do we do now? [ He's not asking what their next move is in terms of the day, but what they're going to do for however long they're still on this island. ] Because if you asked me that question, I wouldn't know.

[ He knows he wants to be with her, he knows he can't stay away from her (not that he's ever tried or has any desire to), but he doesn't want to see her get hurt. And the more attached to each other they become, the harder it's going to be in the long run to say goodbye. ]

I don't know how we do this... [ He desperately wants her to know, to have all the answers and guide him through this, to make him see they can make this work against all odds. His mouth grazes her cheek. ]

All I know is I want you, Clary. More than the way this started. [ More than sex. More and more each day. More than with anyone. ]

erku | ic inbox

text; un: b.blake (1/?)

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text → audio (typos intentional)

done.

cw: guns and suicidal thoughts

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w o w this got away from me

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