[ A part of her wants to make him clarify, but it's the part of her that wants to jump straight to denial, to refuse to believe that the city could not only completely fuck up their permanent contract but to then send Poe's fiancée away. Except he doesn't need to. She feels the weight of those three words hit her hard enough to genuinely knock the air from her lungs.
The cafe suddenly seems too packed, too noisy, yet she can't quite get herself to move from the wall she's suddenly leaning against. ]
No, he— [ Can't be, except Poe wouldn't be saying that if he wasn't 100%, absolutely, without a doubt certain. She swallows around the sudden lump in her throat, eyes squeezing shut as her hand abandons her elbow to cover them instead. It takes a moment for her to be able to speak again but she manages it, somehow. ] Are you at the garage?
[ Calling it an apartment has always felt kind of strange, given that it's a renovated warehouse, and out of all the places he's attached to around here it's the one that he and Finn really made their own, from the ground up. Right now that familiarity is both comforting and painful, definitely skewing toward the latter when he's surrounded by all the evidence that Finn was here, no matter how hard the city might try to convince anyone otherwise.
BB-8's quiet too, but he's there, leaning against one of Poe's legs as if he's trying to help prop him up. Or maybe he just knows how tactile Poe is, and that little things like that help keep him grounded when he's in emotional turmoil.
Would the garage be any better? Not really. It might even be worse, because that's where Finn brought him, way back when he was new. ]
I'm sorry. I just... I figured you should hear it from me.
[ She wants to laugh at Poe apologizing to her, not because it's funny but because of how deeply unfair this feels. It hurts her, of course, because she cared a great deal for Finn, but Poe... It's impossible to wrap her head around how painful it must be for him, especially in a place that's literally overflowing with memories of their time together. ]
I'm sorry. [ The truth, yet also something that feels so completely inadequate and empty, despite the tightness of her own voice, the tears that she's already hastily wiping from her cheeks with her free hand. ] I can't believe they would do this.
[ Asking how he's doing seems pointless when she can already guess the answer. Instead, Clary finds it in herself to push away from the wall, need for caffeine no longer a priority, and makes her way out of the cafe. Poe's place isn't terribly far and despite the cold and the fact that she can't easily get the hand holding her device into a glove, she heads that direction. ]
[ Poe knows that she gets it. At least enough of it to understand where he's coming from, and there's enough shared pain here that neither of them has to explain. He would prefer not to have company in the misery, if he had a choice, but he wasn't the only one who cared about Finn, and who's going to be sad that he's gone. He knows he'll probably have to break the news to a few other people too, and he's not at all looking forward to that but — not today. He needs today, and maybe a few more days if he's being honest, to let himself process this before he faces everything else. Not that he has any real idea of what to do with all this right now. All he does know for sure is that being alone isn't it.
He's sure the same is true for Clary. He didn't ask her to come over, but he knows her well enough to expect that she'll be at the door soon anyway. If he wasn't still in some kind of shock he might have gone out to talk to her in person instead but, well, everything's been a blur since he woke up this morning. ]
I can. [ There isn't much that would surprise him at this point, but either way there's no solace in that for him aside from the fact that it doesn't feel like something personally aimed at him. It just — feels like it was Finn's time to go home. And that's a good thing, and for him it won't feel like there was any gap at all, if their past experiences are anything to go by.
He just never wanted to believe that they wouldn't go back at the same time. ]
I can meet you halfway if being here would be too much for you right now.
[ He's not sure if it's good or bad for him right now as it is. ]
[ But she knows the one thing he wants — to be with Finn — isn't something she can give. And beneath the heartache, beneath the regret of so much left unsaid with him, Clary feels guilty for wishing he would come back. No one should be stuck in this hellhole, least of all someone as good and kind and sweet as Finn, yet she feels the lack of him in such a powerful way that it's physically painful. Knowing that it's only a fraction of how Poe is feeling has her walking quicker, tears nearly freezing to her cheeks in the wind.
It's instinct that takes her in his direction, not even fully aware of the streets she's walking, familiar enough from the time she's spent in the Down before. Her feet know the way without her even thinking about it, fingers gripping her device like it's Poe's hand. ]
I just— [ She pauses to swallow, sniffling in an effort to get better control over herself. It barely works. ] I just want to be with you.
[ Those feelings hit harder here, with Finn's things left as if he just happened to step out for a minute and just never came back, that much is obvious, Poe's been trying not to obsess every detail, pacing through the place as if somehow hoping that Finn would just. Be there. As if he's just dreaming or this is another trick that the city has decided to play on him. He shouldn't be able to rule that out, all things considered, he just can't convince himself that it isn't exactly what it looks like. As nice as that would be. So instead he's spent more time than he would tell her just laying in their bed, just replaying the last night over and over in his head.
Left to his own devices he'd probably eventually find his way over to the garage, because despite the overwhelming number of reminders there at least he has things to do. He's rapidly approaching the point where he'll take any kind of distraction if it would just let him not think about any of this for a while, as helpful or unhelpful as it might be, not that he's likely to find himself alone for any significant length of time right now.
But seeing Clary would be nothing but a good thing, he can be sure of that. ]
[ The vice squeezing her chest and her throat tightens further and she finds herself wishing she had some rune to make her teleport, or at least to make her run faster than she can normally. All she wants at that moment is to have Poe in her arms, to hold him until they both remember how to breathe, and he feels impossibly far away. ]
Just stay put, okay? [ It's better that way, not only because they won't risk missing one another somehow but also because they can be alone instead of somewhere public. If he wants to leave after she arrives, whether to go to the garage or her apartment, they can; she just needs to get to him, first. ] I'll be there soon.
[ But she doesn't hang up. Whether they continue talking or not, she stays on the line for as long as Poe does, afraid that if she ends the call he'll disappear on her, too. It's illogical and she knows it, but she can't bring herself to pull the device from her ear, even as the cold starts to make her fingertips ache.
Her tears haven't dissipated entirely by the time she's at Poe's door, but they've at least stopped falling for the time being, if only because it was too uncomfortable to let them continue. She doesn't bother knocking, instead trying the door handle, hoping to find it unlocked so she can step inside — device still held to her ear, regardless of if he's remained on the other line. ]
[ Poe leaves the line open too, he's not even sure why except that he doesn't want to lose that connection, as if something might happen to her and he wouldn't even know. It's irrational, it's mid-afternoon and she's not walking through a rough part of town, she'll be fine. And as for the possibility of someone else being sent back, well, he's doing his best not to think about that. It's easier said than done, and he doesn't know that having Clary here will help with that part, but he knows without a doubt that having her in his arms will do more to settle him than just talking ever could.
He's only setting the device aside when he hears her open the door, and he's only a few paces away when it swings open. He doubts she'll be surprised, if anything he's expecting her to slide right into his open arms before either of them can say anything at all.
He looks tired, despite having had decent sleep, his hair's ruffled in a way that it usually isn't after he's made it out of bed, he's only distractedly combed through it with his fingers just to keep it out of his face. Getting dressed had just been a matter of mechanical habit, otherwise he'd probably still be in sweatpants. Not that it really matters, he's not planning on getting any work done today. He doesn't have any real plans at all, aside from this.
Wrapping Clary up in his arms and squeezing her tight might be the only useful thing he can manage right now. ]
[ Clary's hand finally returns to her side, fingers still wrapped around her device, when she sees Poe. She hadn't fully realized it until now but there was a part of her still clinging to hope that Poe was wrong, that this was all some horrible, unfortunate misunderstanding. But seeing how disheveled he is, feeling the emptiness of the apartment, the silence almost deafening...
Her device clatters to the floor and were it not for quick movements in his part, she'd likely have tripped over BB-8 getting to Poe. Breathing becomes even more difficult as her throat seizes further, choking on tears as her arms wrap around him — strong and desperate, like she expects it to be the only thing keeping him from falling to pieces. Keeping both of them from crumbling.
One hand fists around his shirt while the other laces frozen fingers through his hair, her face burying immediately into the side of his neck. Losing Lorna had been difficult. Izzy, too, though she had only been here a short time. But the disappearance of Finn feels insurmountable, her heart broken not only for herself but infinitely more for Poe.
Saying "I'm sorry" again feels cheap and insincere, so she just holds onto him and will keep holding on until he pulls away. ]
[ They've both lost people, here and back in their own galaxies, and Poe figures that feels the same no matter how different their lives might be, or how often it happens to them. The losses still cut deep, and none more so than when it hits someone so close, he knows all too well that Clary cared about Finn too, not just the two of them together but also completely independently of how she feels about him. He's not even sure she's lost someone she was this attached to before, he knows some previous ones have been hard to swallow and they've been there for each other through those too, but he's not going to ask. Not that he's really in a good position to ask her anything at all when they're both trying to deal with tears and an ache that twists in the chest like a knife. He knows she feels it too, that's enough.
He couldn't say for sure how long he's just standing there with her, holding her tight, one hand stroking over her hair while he nuzzles his face in against the side of her neck since she's tilted against his, so that they're wound up as close as two people can be without taking clothes out of the equation. He couldn't find the words to tell her, but it's because she's holding him so tight that he can let those pieces fall — otherwise he'd be stubbornly holding himself together, but in this case trying to stifle his emotions wouldn't do anything to reassure her. She knows him too well.
So he's just... letting them both fall apart for a few minutes that feel like days, comforting her and letting her comfort him in turn, the chill from her walk slowly melting away against his own warmth.
Eventually he does shift, but not away from her. The hand that was stroking over her hair slides to her face instead, the back of his fingers brushing over her cheek, and then it's his lips pressing softly against her hair, followed by a slow exhale that's unsteady but warm. ]
I don't know what I would have done if they'd taken you too.
[ It's the first person that she's cared for so deeply, been so close to, that has been taken from the city. Lorna was close, though it seemed like a good portion of that certainly stemmed from the fake life the city had given them, a relationship whose echoes reverberated some once they returned to normal. But Finn was someone who had meant a lot to her without any interference or encouragement from Duplicity, someone she wanted a lot more time with than she got. Poe gets to return to him someday, though even that's an incredibly small comfort, especially since it seems unlikely that either would remember their time here back home.
Losing Poe would have been even harder, the mere thought tearing a quiet sob from her as she nods in agreement to what he says, fingers curling tighter around his shirt. It's enough to make Clary's knuckles ache a bit but she refuses to let go, even as she turns her head more fully into his touch. The hand in his hair disentangles, moving instead to catch his wrist, holding his arm there so she can turn her face into his palm. The way her lips press against the heel is hardly a kiss but she lingers, sniffling softly.
It's there against his hand that she speaks, voice soft and broken with tears. ] I couldn't survive this place without you. [ The admission feels as heavy as the loss they're suffering, but it's the truth. Even with a bunch of people from home here, Poe is the one who has always been there for her, has given her something bright and wonderful in all of the awful this place serves up. She'd told him long ago that she didn't want to become a complication, didn't want to cause problems with everything he had going on with Gwen and Finn. But now, faced with the sudden disappearance of someone she cared for, knowing that either one of them could be taken next...
She sniffles again, hand moving now to hold his, fingers curled over his palm as she lifts her head to look at him. Her cheeks are wet, her eyes feel somewhat puffy, and she's sure her face is a splotchy mess but she doesn't care. None of that matters, not right now. ]
I love you, Poe. I know that makes things really messy and complicated and so not what we wanted this to be, but I— [ Her voice breaks again but she continues on. ] I do.
[ Poe's never seen her cry before, definitely not like this, and it's as devastating as he would have expected it to be. That's a whole different pain to the one that's already settled heavy on his chest, not so much making things worse as somewhat redirecting those feelings, but it is more natural to him to comfort her rather than let himself linger in his own pain with no obvious outlet. She grips onto his hand and he relinquishes it to her, instead softly nuzzling against her other cheek, and without the intervention of conscious thought that turns into even softer kisses, his fingers curled slightly against her other cheek, almost cradling it while he seems to be trying to kiss away the tears. It's alright that this doesn't do much to alleviate the ache, there's no easy solution to that for either of them and they both know it. The best they can do is comfort each other as much as they can in it.
He wants to disagree, to tell her that she would survive without him. Obviously that's not ever something he would willing do to her, but she's so passionate and sweet and genuinely caring, as hard as it might be she would find a way forward, with or without him. But he knows what she means too. These losses won't kill them, but they do change them, for better or for worse. Life goes on, but it's never the same, he learned that lesson from a very young age, so he's not about to tell her that losing people isn't the end of the world. Sometimes it is, at least for a while.
As her fingers curl around his he brings their hands up so that he can press those kisses to the back of her knuckles instead, and when she finds her voice again he doesn't exactly stop, but it does hit him hard. There's nothing shocking about it, maybe they haven't said that out loud in the 'real' world, but that's been there, hanging over them ever since they experienced it in another life. And she's right about the complication part, he's too open and vulnerable at the moment for those tangled up feelings to be anything but easily read across his face, but he doesn't resent that she's said it. He couldn't. ]
Clary... [ How could he even start to explain how it makes him feel? There's a warmth that blossoms in his chest, despite everything, to know that she cares so strongly about him, it's just immediately tempered by the awareness that he can't give her what she wants and deserves, and accepting what she gives him feels so selfish because of that. It's not fair for him to take up that space when she deserves someone who would give her everything.
In the right time and place, that could have been him. Maybe that's why it's so hard, since she seems to know that too. He can't change how he feels any more than she can.
The only thing he can do is hug her close, even closer so that his face is pressed into her hair again. Somehow it hurts more to have been on the other side of this, he knows all too well what it's like. But at least wrapping his arms around her and holding her tight is the opposite of pushing her away, no matter how messy and complicated it might be. If she decides it's too much, he'll let her go, but... otherwise he can't, selfish as it might be. ]
You know how I feel about you.
[ He said it, didn't he? And he hasn't taken it back. ]
[ She doesn't fight him when he pulls her into another hug, nor does she pull back at all, though there is admittedly a small pang of disappointment that he doesn't say it back. She knows why, of course, and she does know how he feels about her — confirmed outwardly with a nod as well — but it still stings a bit not to hear him say it now. It's part of the complication of her, of them, though, of having gotten this tangled up in one another despite the best of intentions to just be friends.
It was a failed mission from the start, truth be told, something that she's realized recently, though it seems unimportant to actually voice that out loud. Especially today of all days.
Both arms stay wrapped tight around him, her face burying into his shoulder this time, unwilling to let go. Feeling the beat of Poe's heart against her chest, the warmth of his body long since chased away the chill of her own... It's the only thing she can think of that could offer any semblance of comfort right now. And he seems just as disinclined to separate from her. ]
I'm sorry.
[ Maybe she's apologizing for her admission, for making things more complicated than they'd already become, or maybe she's apologizing again for Finn's disappearance. Probably both. Either way, the words are mumbled and still broken, very likely lost against the fabric of his shirt. ]
[ It hurts to know how Clary feels, even if he can't see her face he knows, and somehow it's just sharper when he could echo those words back to her and he would be telling nothing but the truth, but then holding it back was never about saving himself from having to face uncomfortable realities, it's all about commitments he's made, and others that he can't. As tangled up and messy as things might be, when they're face to face with it, he couldn't live with himself if he felt like he was stringing her along, giving her hope for something that might never happen. He knows better than to say that anything's impossible, but as things are he can only give her so much. And she deserves everything.
He wants to tell her that. He wants to tell her that he's sorry, but it's all way too much right now, the words just aren't there yet. Still, he's shaking his head at her apology, his breath catching sharply in his throat before he manages to let it out. Somehow he manages to slip a hand to the side of her face, his fingertips stroking over her jawline before gently tipping her face back up toward him, so that he can press a soft kiss to her lips while cupping her cheek. Maybe he can't tell her everything that he's feeling right now, but there's at least one thing that he has to say, if nothing else. ]
Don't be. [ He squeezes his other arm tighter around her waist. ] I'm glad that you're here.
[ No matter how complicated or messy it might be. He still wants to be with her. ]
[ Clary doesn't resist when he guides her face up, though she doesn't open her eyes, the tightness of her throat all that much worse after hearing Poe's breath catch like that. It works out, though, as his lips find hers, a kiss she returns easily before pressing her forehead to his. One of her own hands untangles from him to wipe at the cheek he's not cupping, although it admittedly does very little to dry her tears, even if they're coming somewhat slower now. ]
I'll be here however long you want me to be, Poe. [ Even she can hear how that sounds, especially on the coattails of her earlier admission — and maybe some part of her means it that way. But she says it to confirm that she's here with him, physically, for as long as he needs, that she won't leave him alone as he tries to deal with the loss of Finn.
Her hand settles on his chest, palm pressed to the spot above his heart, fingers curling some against the fabric there. Sniffling again, Clary opens her eyes, though she doesn't pull back to look at him properly; instead, she keeps her gaze low on his lips, though she's not even fully seeing them anyway. ]
I'm glad you were the one to tell me. [ It feels important to acknowledge that, since she hadn't had a chance earlier. ]
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The cafe suddenly seems too packed, too noisy, yet she can't quite get herself to move from the wall she's suddenly leaning against. ]
No, he— [ Can't be, except Poe wouldn't be saying that if he wasn't 100%, absolutely, without a doubt certain. She swallows around the sudden lump in her throat, eyes squeezing shut as her hand abandons her elbow to cover them instead. It takes a moment for her to be able to speak again but she manages it, somehow. ] Are you at the garage?
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[ Calling it an apartment has always felt kind of strange, given that it's a renovated warehouse, and out of all the places he's attached to around here it's the one that he and Finn really made their own, from the ground up. Right now that familiarity is both comforting and painful, definitely skewing toward the latter when he's surrounded by all the evidence that Finn was here, no matter how hard the city might try to convince anyone otherwise.
BB-8's quiet too, but he's there, leaning against one of Poe's legs as if he's trying to help prop him up. Or maybe he just knows how tactile Poe is, and that little things like that help keep him grounded when he's in emotional turmoil.
Would the garage be any better? Not really. It might even be worse, because that's where Finn brought him, way back when he was new. ]
I'm sorry. I just... I figured you should hear it from me.
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I'm sorry. [ The truth, yet also something that feels so completely inadequate and empty, despite the tightness of her own voice, the tears that she's already hastily wiping from her cheeks with her free hand. ] I can't believe they would do this.
[ Asking how he's doing seems pointless when she can already guess the answer. Instead, Clary finds it in herself to push away from the wall, need for caffeine no longer a priority, and makes her way out of the cafe. Poe's place isn't terribly far and despite the cold and the fact that she can't easily get the hand holding her device into a glove, she heads that direction. ]
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He's sure the same is true for Clary. He didn't ask her to come over, but he knows her well enough to expect that she'll be at the door soon anyway. If he wasn't still in some kind of shock he might have gone out to talk to her in person instead but, well, everything's been a blur since he woke up this morning. ]
I can. [ There isn't much that would surprise him at this point, but either way there's no solace in that for him aside from the fact that it doesn't feel like something personally aimed at him. It just — feels like it was Finn's time to go home. And that's a good thing, and for him it won't feel like there was any gap at all, if their past experiences are anything to go by.
He just never wanted to believe that they wouldn't go back at the same time. ]
I can meet you halfway if being here would be too much for you right now.
[ He's not sure if it's good or bad for him right now as it is. ]
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[ But she knows the one thing he wants — to be with Finn — isn't something she can give. And beneath the heartache, beneath the regret of so much left unsaid with him, Clary feels guilty for wishing he would come back. No one should be stuck in this hellhole, least of all someone as good and kind and sweet as Finn, yet she feels the lack of him in such a powerful way that it's physically painful. Knowing that it's only a fraction of how Poe is feeling has her walking quicker, tears nearly freezing to her cheeks in the wind.
It's instinct that takes her in his direction, not even fully aware of the streets she's walking, familiar enough from the time she's spent in the Down before. Her feet know the way without her even thinking about it, fingers gripping her device like it's Poe's hand. ]
I just— [ She pauses to swallow, sniffling in an effort to get better control over herself. It barely works. ] I just want to be with you.
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[ Those feelings hit harder here, with Finn's things left as if he just happened to step out for a minute and just never came back, that much is obvious, Poe's been trying not to obsess every detail, pacing through the place as if somehow hoping that Finn would just. Be there. As if he's just dreaming or this is another trick that the city has decided to play on him. He shouldn't be able to rule that out, all things considered, he just can't convince himself that it isn't exactly what it looks like. As nice as that would be. So instead he's spent more time than he would tell her just laying in their bed, just replaying the last night over and over in his head.
Left to his own devices he'd probably eventually find his way over to the garage, because despite the overwhelming number of reminders there at least he has things to do. He's rapidly approaching the point where he'll take any kind of distraction if it would just let him not think about any of this for a while, as helpful or unhelpful as it might be, not that he's likely to find himself alone for any significant length of time right now.
But seeing Clary would be nothing but a good thing, he can be sure of that. ]
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Just stay put, okay? [ It's better that way, not only because they won't risk missing one another somehow but also because they can be alone instead of somewhere public. If he wants to leave after she arrives, whether to go to the garage or her apartment, they can; she just needs to get to him, first. ] I'll be there soon.
[ But she doesn't hang up. Whether they continue talking or not, she stays on the line for as long as Poe does, afraid that if she ends the call he'll disappear on her, too. It's illogical and she knows it, but she can't bring herself to pull the device from her ear, even as the cold starts to make her fingertips ache.
Her tears haven't dissipated entirely by the time she's at Poe's door, but they've at least stopped falling for the time being, if only because it was too uncomfortable to let them continue. She doesn't bother knocking, instead trying the door handle, hoping to find it unlocked so she can step inside — device still held to her ear, regardless of if he's remained on the other line. ]
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[ Poe leaves the line open too, he's not even sure why except that he doesn't want to lose that connection, as if something might happen to her and he wouldn't even know. It's irrational, it's mid-afternoon and she's not walking through a rough part of town, she'll be fine. And as for the possibility of someone else being sent back, well, he's doing his best not to think about that. It's easier said than done, and he doesn't know that having Clary here will help with that part, but he knows without a doubt that having her in his arms will do more to settle him than just talking ever could.
He's only setting the device aside when he hears her open the door, and he's only a few paces away when it swings open. He doubts she'll be surprised, if anything he's expecting her to slide right into his open arms before either of them can say anything at all.
He looks tired, despite having had decent sleep, his hair's ruffled in a way that it usually isn't after he's made it out of bed, he's only distractedly combed through it with his fingers just to keep it out of his face. Getting dressed had just been a matter of mechanical habit, otherwise he'd probably still be in sweatpants. Not that it really matters, he's not planning on getting any work done today. He doesn't have any real plans at all, aside from this.
Wrapping Clary up in his arms and squeezing her tight might be the only useful thing he can manage right now. ]
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Her device clatters to the floor and were it not for quick movements in his part, she'd likely have tripped over BB-8 getting to Poe. Breathing becomes even more difficult as her throat seizes further, choking on tears as her arms wrap around him — strong and desperate, like she expects it to be the only thing keeping him from falling to pieces. Keeping both of them from crumbling.
One hand fists around his shirt while the other laces frozen fingers through his hair, her face burying immediately into the side of his neck. Losing Lorna had been difficult. Izzy, too, though she had only been here a short time. But the disappearance of Finn feels insurmountable, her heart broken not only for herself but infinitely more for Poe.
Saying "I'm sorry" again feels cheap and insincere, so she just holds onto him and will keep holding on until he pulls away. ]
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He couldn't say for sure how long he's just standing there with her, holding her tight, one hand stroking over her hair while he nuzzles his face in against the side of her neck since she's tilted against his, so that they're wound up as close as two people can be without taking clothes out of the equation. He couldn't find the words to tell her, but it's because she's holding him so tight that he can let those pieces fall — otherwise he'd be stubbornly holding himself together, but in this case trying to stifle his emotions wouldn't do anything to reassure her. She knows him too well.
So he's just... letting them both fall apart for a few minutes that feel like days, comforting her and letting her comfort him in turn, the chill from her walk slowly melting away against his own warmth.
Eventually he does shift, but not away from her. The hand that was stroking over her hair slides to her face instead, the back of his fingers brushing over her cheek, and then it's his lips pressing softly against her hair, followed by a slow exhale that's unsteady but warm. ]
I don't know what I would have done if they'd taken you too.
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Losing Poe would have been even harder, the mere thought tearing a quiet sob from her as she nods in agreement to what he says, fingers curling tighter around his shirt. It's enough to make Clary's knuckles ache a bit but she refuses to let go, even as she turns her head more fully into his touch. The hand in his hair disentangles, moving instead to catch his wrist, holding his arm there so she can turn her face into his palm. The way her lips press against the heel is hardly a kiss but she lingers, sniffling softly.
It's there against his hand that she speaks, voice soft and broken with tears. ] I couldn't survive this place without you. [ The admission feels as heavy as the loss they're suffering, but it's the truth. Even with a bunch of people from home here, Poe is the one who has always been there for her, has given her something bright and wonderful in all of the awful this place serves up. She'd told him long ago that she didn't want to become a complication, didn't want to cause problems with everything he had going on with Gwen and Finn. But now, faced with the sudden disappearance of someone she cared for, knowing that either one of them could be taken next...
She sniffles again, hand moving now to hold his, fingers curled over his palm as she lifts her head to look at him. Her cheeks are wet, her eyes feel somewhat puffy, and she's sure her face is a splotchy mess but she doesn't care. None of that matters, not right now. ]
I love you, Poe. I know that makes things really messy and complicated and so not what we wanted this to be, but I— [ Her voice breaks again but she continues on. ] I do.
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He wants to disagree, to tell her that she would survive without him. Obviously that's not ever something he would willing do to her, but she's so passionate and sweet and genuinely caring, as hard as it might be she would find a way forward, with or without him. But he knows what she means too. These losses won't kill them, but they do change them, for better or for worse. Life goes on, but it's never the same, he learned that lesson from a very young age, so he's not about to tell her that losing people isn't the end of the world. Sometimes it is, at least for a while.
As her fingers curl around his he brings their hands up so that he can press those kisses to the back of her knuckles instead, and when she finds her voice again he doesn't exactly stop, but it does hit him hard. There's nothing shocking about it, maybe they haven't said that out loud in the 'real' world, but that's been there, hanging over them ever since they experienced it in another life. And she's right about the complication part, he's too open and vulnerable at the moment for those tangled up feelings to be anything but easily read across his face, but he doesn't resent that she's said it. He couldn't. ]
Clary... [ How could he even start to explain how it makes him feel? There's a warmth that blossoms in his chest, despite everything, to know that she cares so strongly about him, it's just immediately tempered by the awareness that he can't give her what she wants and deserves, and accepting what she gives him feels so selfish because of that. It's not fair for him to take up that space when she deserves someone who would give her everything.
In the right time and place, that could have been him. Maybe that's why it's so hard, since she seems to know that too. He can't change how he feels any more than she can.
The only thing he can do is hug her close, even closer so that his face is pressed into her hair again. Somehow it hurts more to have been on the other side of this, he knows all too well what it's like. But at least wrapping his arms around her and holding her tight is the opposite of pushing her away, no matter how messy and complicated it might be. If she decides it's too much, he'll let her go, but... otherwise he can't, selfish as it might be. ]
You know how I feel about you.
[ He said it, didn't he? And he hasn't taken it back. ]
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It was a failed mission from the start, truth be told, something that she's realized recently, though it seems unimportant to actually voice that out loud. Especially today of all days.
Both arms stay wrapped tight around him, her face burying into his shoulder this time, unwilling to let go. Feeling the beat of Poe's heart against her chest, the warmth of his body long since chased away the chill of her own... It's the only thing she can think of that could offer any semblance of comfort right now. And he seems just as disinclined to separate from her. ]
I'm sorry.
[ Maybe she's apologizing for her admission, for making things more complicated than they'd already become, or maybe she's apologizing again for Finn's disappearance. Probably both. Either way, the words are mumbled and still broken, very likely lost against the fabric of his shirt. ]
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He wants to tell her that. He wants to tell her that he's sorry, but it's all way too much right now, the words just aren't there yet. Still, he's shaking his head at her apology, his breath catching sharply in his throat before he manages to let it out. Somehow he manages to slip a hand to the side of her face, his fingertips stroking over her jawline before gently tipping her face back up toward him, so that he can press a soft kiss to her lips while cupping her cheek. Maybe he can't tell her everything that he's feeling right now, but there's at least one thing that he has to say, if nothing else. ]
Don't be. [ He squeezes his other arm tighter around her waist. ] I'm glad that you're here.
[ No matter how complicated or messy it might be. He still wants to be with her. ]
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I'll be here however long you want me to be, Poe. [ Even she can hear how that sounds, especially on the coattails of her earlier admission — and maybe some part of her means it that way. But she says it to confirm that she's here with him, physically, for as long as he needs, that she won't leave him alone as he tries to deal with the loss of Finn.
Her hand settles on his chest, palm pressed to the spot above his heart, fingers curling some against the fabric there. Sniffling again, Clary opens her eyes, though she doesn't pull back to look at him properly; instead, she keeps her gaze low on his lips, though she's not even fully seeing them anyway. ]
I'm glad you were the one to tell me. [ It feels important to acknowledge that, since she hadn't had a chance earlier. ]